


Personal Questions

by zabiume



Series: The (Disastrous) Adventures of Inoue and Abarai [4]
Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M, Minor Abarai Renji/Kuchiki Rukia - Freeform, brotp renhime, slight euphemisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25954294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zabiume/pseuds/zabiume
Summary: Orihime has a lot of questions, Renji has all the answers.
Relationships: Abarai Renji & Inoue Orihime
Series: The (Disastrous) Adventures of Inoue and Abarai [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883725
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Personal Questions

**Author's Note:**

> So people have suggested that I collect all my fics in one place, so I decided this whole 'brotp: RenHime' thing should just be stored under a series. That being said, this obviously isn't like a plot-oriented series with a story that I plan on fleshing out; it's just a bunch of little ficlets that originally started out as a crack pairing thing but I ended up liking it a lot, so I've decided to consolidate them all here. 
> 
> You can find this fic on [tumblr ](https://kazeshini-s.tumblr.com/post/626167987116851200/title-personal-questions) too.

“Can I ask you a kind-of personal question?”

To say Renji doesn’t know Orihime really well would be a lie because fighting wars alongside someone really cuts down any socializing requirements that build regular friendships. But also, Rukia wants them to get along so they’ve ‘hung out’ a couple of times; mainly, he just watched them discuss shoujo while he accepted various experimental recipes Orihime threw at him by virtue of him not knowing what “real” food should taste like. She’d be a great fit for the Twelfth under less creepier management.

“Sure,” he agrees, easily, hoping the bead of nervous sweat building on his forehead doesn’t give him away. Personal questions aren’t the problem, it’s how he’s going to answer them if they’re something touchy. The fact that he can’t get an easy read on the kid doesn’t improve things.

Orihime stares up at him, eyes wide and flush with curiosity. “Can you poop?”

Renji splutters. “What?!”

“You bleed and you sweat, even though you’re dead,” Orihime holds out her fingers, like she’s counting off a mental list. “I’m assuming you eat, even though you don’t actually need to.” She settles her hand under her chin in awe. “So where does the food go?”

_Of all the things..._ he thinks. He settles his hands on his hips, trying to explain this as objectively and clinically as possible. “So, the way a soul’s body works is that hunger is a drive for energy, just like it is for you humans,” he explains, feeling very grateful he paid attention to the World of the Living Anatomy lesson he took back at Shin'O, even though _both_ Kira and Hinamori made riotous fun of him for it. He points a hand to himself. “Except for us, all the food is converted into spiritual energy. There’s no remnants for us to, uh, shit.”

“Wow,” Orihime breathes in genuine fascination. He can almost see the cogwheels rapidly spinning in her head. She pushes herself forward on the low table, regarding him like he’s a shiny pebble she found on the pavement. “Can I ask you another question?”

Feeling a little eased by her previous line of questioning, he relaxes with a short laugh. “You don’t have to be so polite. Go for it.”

She flushes, worrying her lip for one split second before meeting his eyes again. “Can you, um,” she starts, before sinking back in nervousness. “Can you..you know,” She points down to her pelvis, her hands coming together to form a tent that’s standing perpendicular to her belly.

He knows. Oh God, he knows.

_______

“It was just a biological question, Renji, you didn’t have to be so awkward about it," Rukia says matter-of-factly about a week later, halfway into their work lunch. The sight of food not only exacerbates his memory of Orihime’s interrogation but also reminds him of the way she profusely apologised to him for crossing lines after. He’s surprised he didn’t erupt with a nosebleed right then and there.

"I wasn’t,” Renji argues, decidedly pushing his plate away. “The question was just way out of left field, that’s all.”

Rukia scoffs, tugging out a stray piece of lettuce stuck to her teeth with a chopstick. Satisfied when it disappears into her tongue, she sets it down to regard him with a mischievous smirk. “Did you answer her?”

“Of course I did,” he mutters, but doesn’t elaborate because Rukia looks like she’s enjoying this way too much. He points at her with one waggy index finger. “Your friends are so goddamn weird.”

“She’s not weird, she’s just curious,” Rukia says, before tilting her eyes to regard the ceiling. “Okay maybe she’s a little weird but that’s not a bad thing. It’s cute.” Her violet eyes flash with a teasing look as she smiles at him.

“Wasn’t your manhood fountain she was questioning,” Renji grumbles, looking down at the crease in the tablecloth.

“I would pay you real Kuchiki money to maybe never call it that ever again.”

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to polynya for pointing out that shinigami _can_ poop. Come join the perennial renhime gushing with me on [tumblr! ](https://kazeshini-s.tumblr.com/)


End file.
